ayah enna
A fresh grad who finds herself waking up after lunch (GMT+8, mind you). She is into videogames, anime & manga , certain book genres, a bit of music, and dogs. An introvert, she is generally slow in warming up unless she sees that a person has at least a common interest. She knows too little of HTML so she had to download this pre-made layout.
(It's really more of me being invisible, on SMS or using meebo)
contents
blogs
links
chatterbox
weather pixie
credits
marzo 08, 2004
Looks like I get to blog after all. It's our 2 hour lunch break and I'm currently on my own, just like last week. Out of the 5 people that I'm usually with, 1 doesn't have any class after this (he dropped it), 3 were meeting some people and 1 went with another group. I could have joined with any of the latter 4 although I'll be a decoration on the background. If things are going to be like this for the next few days, I'll surely think of missing my High School batchmates who made my four-year stay worthwhile despite the rough patches. These people are mainly my friends. I could be thinking about it because someone celebrated her debut. Actually, I know 2 girls who celebrated their debut; my blockmate last Friday (that's why a lot of us were absent that day) and a fellow Taong Troika last Saturday. I don't mind that I was not invited in either debut since I admit that I wasn't close with the 2, but the one with my blockmate made me feel left out since almost everyone from our block was invited. I'm not sure if any of our other blockmates aside myself was also not invited. What I do know is that some of us were not able to attend.Our block has been together 9 months already and while I get along with almost everyone, I feel like it's all in the outside. I still feel a loner despite hanging around with my so-called frenships. I may be the most distant among us which is probably why I'm always the one who is separated from the group every time there's we're asked to be grouped in 5s. It's really annoying since it has always been like this right from the 1st term. Ego-centric in one hand but it makes me wonder why we never alternate on who's the one who'll be grouped with another set of people. It's always me. It also bothered me that these 5 would be calling or texting each other about personal matters but they never approach me on this. The only texts I received from them (a call on the phone for me is rare) always concerned on academics. I know I should meet them in the middle yet they never reached out to me. They kept saying "Sorry" to the extent that while inside I don't want to buy it anymore, I take it because the it's petty. I bet they don't know that I'm feeling this way. I thought that despite our differences, we can get along so I stayed. There are no observable conflicts between any of us, it's my discomfort with how things were going on between us that I kept hidden within myself. They're nice people but I feel unnoticed. All I do is listen to them because it is hard for me to butt in since there are things that all except me can relate to. Does it matter that all of them are planning to take a double major while I'm the one who's going all the way? I'm sorry if I sound selfish but that's how I'm feeling right now. My relationships with my H.S. barkada was never the same again after all the havoc I raised. Even so, I know I can't relate to everyone from the TNTC back then after that but at least it gave me a sense of friendship that wasn't artificial. My college friends may think that we're also having that sense but that's among themselves. I can't seem to connect with them in a personal level. It's all in the outside.
After being redundant for the past number of sentences, I'm confused on what to do about it. Is it me or them that caused this feeling that I'm having right now? What should I do about it? I'm not happy on how things are going on with my life, namely my studies and my relationships with other people. It seems I'm being a loner all the time. While I appreciate having someone to help me around stuff, it seems it just ends there. I'm sorry for I really need to let this out of my system.
revolutionized the world at 2:07 p. m. | | #
