ayah enna
A fresh grad who finds herself waking up after lunch (GMT+8, mind you). She is into videogames, anime & manga , certain book genres, a bit of music, and dogs. An introvert, she is generally slow in warming up unless she sees that a person has at least a common interest. She knows too little of HTML so she had to download this pre-made layout.
(It's really more of me being invisible, on SMS or using meebo)
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agosto 02, 2006
Today, I told my mom that I failed Psyres2 (thesis).Hindi ko rin maiiwasan ito sa kanya. First, wala na akong ibang klase aside from that next term dahil expected na this term would have been my last. Anong lusot ko diyan kapag tinanong niya sa akin kung anong nangyari at hindi ako kasali sa graduation on October 14? Nasabi ko sa kanya before na yun ang date of graduation. Second, my mom was the one who picked up the call from my thesis advisor. Nagtataka siya kung bakit ako tinawagan ng propesor. Had she not been sick today and have gone to work, baka tinago ko pa ito sa kanya sa simula kaso aangat nanaman ang guilt ko. Masyado ako maraming tinatagong guilt sa loob ko kasi ayoko ibunyag ang mga sikreto na nagdulot ng mga ito. Kahit ilabas ko man ay makakatanggap pa rin ako ng sakit.
Huling beses ko nilabas ang sama ng loob ko dahil sa guilt (halatang hindi ko maalala sa ngayon kung ano ang katumbas ng salitang ito sa Filipino) noong Sabado, pasahan ng thesis. Umiyak ako sa labas ng faculty room dahil sa takot na babagsak kami. Iniisip ko na ako ang may kasalanan, at ganun pa rin ngayon. Hindi ko maasahan ang thesis mate ko na maging equal sa blame. Siya ang pumapasok sa call center tuwing gabi, hindi ako kaya hindi niya maasikaso iyon. Siya ang bigla nag-asawa dahil binuntis niya ang girlfriend niya. Naiinis ako dahil napunta sa akin ang bulk ng trabaho; parang ako na rin ang gumawa nito mag-isa. Pinili ko na makipag-partner sa kanya dahil alam ko na mahihirapan ako tapusin ito mag-isa. It should be noted that I would never have guessed that those things happened to him will occur. 2 subject lang tapos Practicum ang binabalance ko aside from this tapos ito pa rin ang nangyari. I won't even add my auntie and cousin from the US there.
Oddly enough, despite the disappointment, hindi ako umiyak ngayon. Wala ako maramdaman na luha para pigilin sa pagdaloy. Hindi pa ata tapos magrecover ang tear ducts ko over last Saturday. Naalala ko nung Sabado na tumawag ang nanay ko sa cellphone habang umiiyak ako. Sabi ng kasama niya na nakausap ko later that day na napansin ng nanay ko na umiiyak ako sa kabilang linya pero hindi niya tinanong sa akin kelan man kung bakit ako umiiyak nun. Hindi rin niya alam na pasahan ng thesis namin noong Sabado. I wonder if she has put 1+1 together now kaso yung nga, may sakit. Yung sa kasama ng nanay, sinabi ko sa kanya na may sama ako ng loob over something.
Hindi ako pinagalitan ng nanay ko. I don't know if her reaction would have been the same if she were feeling better. She asked me kung final yung desisyon. Sabi ko sa kanya na I asked my advisor about it and tried to convince her kung pwede pa maghabol na mas well-written version. Insuffiecient ang last three chapters namin dahil may hinabol pa akong data tapos nagkaproblema pa sa computation and interpretation. Hindi na pwede, sabi ng advisor. Ang magagawa namin ay mag-appeal sa thesis commitee na ituloy from Psyres2 at hindi magsimula back from Psyres1 kaso chances are slim since wala kaming valid reason. Buti na lang at nakauwi na sa bahay ang ate ko, kahit na ayoko rin iamin sa kanya na bumagsak ako, because she made my confession easier. Bumagsak na rin sa thesis ang ate ko before kung kelan Thesis2 for similar reasons. Binangit pa sa akin ng ate ko na may call centers na tumatanggap ng college students (hindi ko pa sinasabi sa kanya yung tungkol sa partner ko). Subukan ko raw para mabayaran nanay namin sa tuition. Ok lang sa 'kin na maghanap ng part-time job, kahit graveyard shift pa ako ilagay dahil sanay ako maging gising sa mga oras na iyon. The better to be away from my sources of distraction. Kaso, naaalala ko yung output ng partner ko. Baka hindi ko maasikaso thesis namin nito.
At times like these, I cannot help but feel pathetic. Kulang pa ako sa social support nito. Ang mga bisyo ko lang ay maglaro ng video/computer games, mag-internet o magbasa ng nobela buong magdamag tapos matulog buong araw to the point of oversleeping. Kahit gumising ako ng 6 pm dahil nagstay up ako hanggang 7 am, nagawa ko matulog before 12 am dahil may pasok ako the next day. It's definitely not healthy. Kahit natulog ako ng 7 am, hindi pa ako kumakain ng agahan so in a day, nagagawa ko magmiss ng 2 meals (at ito ang sagot kung bakit pumapayat ako)! My mom is alarmed at this of course pero ginagawa ko pa rin. May nabasa ako na oversleeping is actually bad and it can even shorten one's lifespan ata in the long run; I think it's bogus until more suffiecient support emerges. I can confirm however na you feel lethergic pagbangong mo after oversleeping. I'm an escapist, that I admit. I distract myself from reality with playing games, participating in message board discussions, surfing the internet or reading then sleep for long periods to make time run faster. It has actually disoriented me with dates since I don't have a calandar (excluding the ones in my cellphone and laptop) in my room. Kahit ma-limit yung game and internet usage, kailangan mailayo sa 'kin ang mga libro sa bahay which is a harder thing to do because my mom and sister also reads. Kayang-kaya malimit ang internet and PS2 access ko; wala na kaming ibang gaming consoles, kahit handheld man lang. Nakakapag-internet lang ako kapag naka-wireless connection kami o hindi ginagamit ng brother ko ang PC niya (which has a more direct access thanks to a phone line running through his room). Addict sa computer din ang kapatid ko to the point na hindi ililipat to wireless kapag wala ang ate namin (ayaw niya makinig sa 'kin) kasi mas mabilis 'pag hindi nakawireless. Yung sa games, tanging TVs sa kwarto ng nanay ko at sa brother lang meron. Manood lang ng Koreanovela ang nanay ko sa kanya at magkulong ang kapatid ko sa kwarto niya ang solusyon, which also happens often kaya mas madalas pa rin ang pag-internet ko. Halos wala akong offline PC games na naka-install.
It appears that there's a lot in my life that needs to my overhauled =_= (yes, I know that I suck at ending stuff.)
revolutionized the world at 11:13 a. m. | | #julio 14, 2006
It's been more than a month since my last update. Can you blame me when I almost always hit the sheets everytime I go home? I realized this noon that I'll be reaching 100 hours doing office work for my OJT next week, which means no more waking up at 6 a.m. then head to Makati CBE before 8 for until, at least, next month. Suprisingly, I find myself preferring to work in an office than go to school and sit through boring lectures. Of course, I am yet to be placed under a nasty boss and face deadlines in work settings.Most students rejoiced when classes were suspended last Wednesday and Thursday. I, on the other hand, still had to go to work. Actually, I really don't have classes during Thursdays so suspension announcements for that day and Tuesdays don't matter. As for last Wednesday, I always go to the office every morning since my class starts after lunch. When I learned that classes have been suspended, I decided to prolong my stay in the office until 5 (although my actual log out time was around 5:45 p.m. thanks to a task). I reasoned out that the weather may clear out by the afternoon hence it might be easier to go home later. I was wrong! Now I have experienced working while classes are suspended for students and going to the office during non-school days due to suspension.
I doubt I'll be updating anytime soon. In other news, one of my aunts living in the U.S. and her daughter are in the Philippines since yesterday. I'm thrilled to see them again after... *thinks* 3 years. The funny thing was their arrival time was early morning so when the got to our house (they're staying with my family until they go to the province next week because we're the ones living closest to the airport), I was still taking a bath. I first saw them right before I left the house. Now, I'm just killing time while waiting for my appointment with my Practicum adviser than eat out with the balikbayans afterwards. Tomorrow, I have my weekly community service for Practicum.
revolutionized the world at 4:47 p. m. | | #
